Klaus, The Occult Detective. Beta Testing.

It was a bright and shiny day. Not the kind of days I’m used to working on. The street was empty save for the containment crew milling about a Large metal container. There were sensors unholy inscriptions plastered all around the steel box. This was definitely not a normal case. So I walk over to John Baraptice to find out what was up. 

“What have we got John?”

“Looks like some amateur tried to open up a gate to hell.”

“So what went wrong?”

“We aren’t sure, but it looks like he got his symbols upside down.”

“Hmm, anything come out yet?”

“Klaus, it’s a door to heaven, no one would want to leave.”

“So then what’s the problem?”

“The doorway is letting out light. Pure Holy light. No one who has looked at it exists in this world anymore”

“Up or down?”

“Couldn’t say. We wont know, until we shut the door and can study the symbols.”

I sighed.

“Alright, I think I got a plan. Go fetch me some welders goggles. Then I want you to soak them in 1000 year old demon blood that’s been mixed with some of the oil used to burn Rasputin death. Then get on cursing them with every anti holy spell you can muster up. I’m going in.”

I waited on John to get my supplies ready, silently kicking myself for what I was about to do. I wasn’t going to like it, but I had no other choice. May the lord forgive me. 

I stepped atop the tall metal case, my custom welders goggles all but vacuumed sealed to my head, facing the other direction waiting for the men to cut open an entry way. As soon as I heard the clag of the thick steel hit the floor beneath I shut my eyes hard as I jumped down into the room.

It felt warm, soft and comfortable. It was all the will I had to not open my eyes. I tried not to move, not that I really wanted to, but more because I didn’t know where the door was. I didn’t want to go to heaven, at least not yet, there was still evil afoot. Evil only I could fight. So with that I took a deep breath, unzipped my trousers and began to masturbate furiously while shouting terribly profane and awful things into the air. 

At last the seed hit the ground and at that all the warmth dropped from the room and the light was gone. I had successfully tainted the room, making it no longer pure and thus shutting the door to heaven. I tore off my goggles and zipped up and took one last look around the room. 

From floor to ceiling books about the occult, magic, and demon worship were stacked, and the markings on the wall were exactly as it should be for opening a gate to hell, except the poor soul had his pentagram the wrong side up. 

I scrambled out of the hole the crew had cut for me and looked over at john who was standing near by smiling. 

“So, Klaus the great occult detective, How did you manage this one?”

“I’d rather not talk about John. Just maybe when you go in to check things out, maybe you otta bring a mop.”

THE END.

Im really tired of typing the words "Monster Noir"

God writing is so hard to do when you have only had 4 hours of hot restless sleep on a leather couch in the last 50 hours (now 7 hours of sleep in about 63) so I will brief. I’m typing this just to get some more information of what I’ve been spending my internet less summer of unemployment doing.

Monster Noir started with a silly idea that popped into my head late at night. When this happens I am of the mindset to try and remember it and if it turns out to be dumb I just forget it. When Monster Noir happened I decided then and there to go with it even if it was stupid in the morning. It was something I thought would be cool, and be dammed if I was the only person who enjoyed it. This may have been because I was feeling confident in my art skills after the success of my J.R Goldberg/Eliza Double Homage Painting.

So for better or worse I started out just doing an simple acrylic painting of a squid faced monster man lighting a cigarette with his tentacle that people familiar with my glorious face may recognize it as an homage to my beard..

Sadly the quality was not up to the level I wanted and felt rather under pleased. Bugged by this I dived into a new fit of watching old detective and noir movies. Thus acquiring once again a fond affection of the way stories were told and loving the character archetypes. So two and two make four I decided to do a comic that follows a very classic pulp noir feel but with hideous beasts. So I doodled some more and created a awesome world that facilitated what I needed to tell a noir story but still held all the things I would need to keep me from getting board of drawing the same thing over and over again. Which is why I haven’t done any before. As I am just a budding artist there are limits to my ability. Things like exact renderings of the same thing over and over again are out side of my skill. Realistic landscapes and perspective are a pain and laborious endeavor and I don’t enjoy it. So don’t expect such things out of this comic. I’m a surrealist because realism is boring and stupid. Anyway I sort of lost where I was.


Right anyway like I said I’m still developing as an artist and art quality can change from panel to panel as you can see from these two pages below. The art isn’t great. But I would like to see some support in this endeavor of mine. I’m still doing it for me but knowing that I have an audience will really help me in getting off my lazy ass and do more pages in faster manner, and put some pressure on me to keep improving my art.

So I guess the whole purpose of this now very long blog post is for me to ask you all to comment on it. Criticize, compliment, or whatever.

Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus VS Tycho Brahe

Recently I have found that it has become an developing inclination amongst the world-weary theatergoers to partake in the ripe pleasures of “The so bad its good” genre of film. Many times laughs are shared, tears shed, and virginal blood spilled at the hands of these movies. I like to count myself among these pseudosadomasochistic enthusiast of abysmal cinema. So it should come as no surprise to find that when I initially heard of “Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus” I found myself drenched in anticipatory leakage. 

SCIENCE!

However, upon actually watching MS Vs. GO I found much to be desired. Even within the confines of the bad movie genre I was utterly disappointed. The primary thrust in every movie should be the intent of the film makers. Be it the desire to make a drama, comedy, romance or what have you. The eclicitory nature is irrelevant when a movie fails because when they do it is roundly enjoyable. The issue with this particular motion picture is that it feels as if they were meaningfully trying to make something so dumb it is funny. It felt forced and duplicitous. In that way it fails. It fails miserably. In other ways it has a shark biting the golden gate bridge in half.

 Imma SHAAAAARK!

SHOW EM YOUR "OH" FACE

Frank Frazetta appreantly a man who does fantasy art work is amusing. One wonders if he does not wish to draw muscles and tits all day but then one remebers: Thats a fucking barbarian murdering some shit.

You can buy some of his shit

Thanks, ME!

Quote Of Yesterday.

"honey You know I love you, but I need your teeth so I can finish my prettier,and sexier franken-girlfriend"- probably from somthing but I dont remember, if not Im a genious.

The dangers of sexually aroused mental patients.

(my paper for my psychology class)

I sat down this evening looking for the most amusing article on Psychology today to write about and what I found was that the whole publication is immensely hilarious. Possible more at the headlines than the actual substance of the article but still its amusing. One caught my attention by the title of “Best Whorehouse” (http://bit.ly/whorehouse ). Of course me, being a connoisseur of sorts, found this to be interesting as apposed to funny. I have visited many brothels when I lived in Nevada and the thought of a psychological look at what would make the best whorehouse interested me greatly. However what I found was even more interesting. In Maastricht which is in the Netherlands there is a Psycho-Medical Center that was going to start having its patients visit brothels. As a way to keep their patients happy. I only half agree with this for these reasons. Firstly, sex can cause even more de-balancing. Secondly, the company that keeps in brothels are not always conducive to mental health. Finally, normal customer safety.

Sex among the mentally ill, by many people is regarded as a bad idea. It changes the chemical make up of the brain by releasing hormones and chemicals that could very well be the thing that tips the fragile balance of manageable psychosis and complete lunacy over. It also becomes a concern that if the mentally ill get a sub par or otherwise un indulged experience it could lead to even more frustration. The Dutch are famous for their legalization of brothels but as any seasoned globetrotting pleasure seeker will tell you, their brothels are really quite poor. They don’t have the medical coverage and no standards as to sexual technique. Most of the girls there are of a low class who’s misfortunes have earned them a place there. I can personally vouch for this. In fact some of the ones I have the honor of patronizing for an evening could very well take use in being in a center, and this kind of mash up (if you will pardon the pun) could cause for a very dangerous time in and out (and again) of the brothel/center.

This could be compounded by the fact that the people who go there are not very understanding about anything really. They have one thought on their mind and probably would not react well to having anything outside of what is currently brewing in their minds. This kind of environment would only server to agitate any hostile feelings that may be dormant in them. In a brothel there are rules about looking at the other patrons. You don’t talk to any of them unless you need to. If you do then you might get hit or threatened and, once again, the unstable are not well adjusted and most cant handle that sort of pressure.

Lastly, normal customers and the girls are in at the very least a good amount of danger should one of the patients have an episode at the house. Unlike the ones in Nevada there are minimal security. The only people who are paid to restore order are more or less bouncers and are without any experience.
Things can get out of control quickly. It is as it is said, “danger to themselves and others.” you need only to append a location, and in this case “in a whorehouse.”.

Overall I don’t think it’s a terrible idea, just not a really good one. If they regulate who goes and who doesn’t, or send extra security and find a decent house for them to go to things should be fine. But they do need to think of the possibilities and complications it presents. If addressed I do encourge this but other wise they need to put a stop to this once. If not for the name of psychiatric patients then for the name of Brothels around the world.

Shit is for real now.

CAUSE THIS BLOG NOW HAS TWO PAGES COUNT'EM TWO PAGES!

How to check on the economy:

Glue a penny on the inner lip of a toilet, count days till penny is removed. If less than a day, we are fucked.

Quote Of The Day

Better stuff to come

Today was a lack luster day for interneting. I had sentances to diagram and finals are soon, but tommarow should be a great day for amazing shit from the brilliant scholar and master in the cullinary arts, KLAUS.

Life is...

I give you noise. A violent gathering of most pandemic proportions. 

A devastating collection of youth and ice cream. Fear, was my first reaction, but then there happened something in the video that shot a thought into the for front of my mind who is the man 0:22? And why did he not want his face seen? Could he have been in the witness protection program? Perhaps even a pederast? Who knows? 

WELL I FUCKING KNOW!

That man at 0:22 is a renowned jewel thief from Arabia, Madebell Shorbenstine. Sent there for exile for crimes he had committed in the Czars Russia. Four men he killed with his disgustingly large hands. The gold ring that he improperly wears upon his thumb he stole from the Aristocrat Mavekeial Stronbonstol’s penis whilst the nobleman slept. AND with out hesitation I accuse him of experiencing the carnal knowledge of my three winged horse Madishire. A knowledge that I only allow my closest of gentlefolk to know. THIS MAN MUST BE KILLED!

Quote Of The Day.

" Wow processing is really neat"-Ginja

IT REALLY FUCKING IS!

CHRIST ALMIGHTY

The lights go down. We are all waiting. There are shouts. “JESUS JESUS JESUS” one man meekly cries out “kid rock?” but he is pummeled with the many roving ocelots. Soon the sound of a guitar, Jesus steps out onto the stage. He looks out, raises his pick to the sky, 
“ARE YOU READY FOR SOME ROCK AND ROLL BIBLICAL SYLE?” he says. 
We all say “yes, a thousand times yes lord.” 
“WAIT A MINUET I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU GUYS ARE NOT DRUNK ENOUGH TO ROCK AND ROLL!… but don’t worry I got ya covered” he says with a wink.

Suddenly the sprinklers kick on and water begins to fall down, Jesus whips with guitar and points it at the audience and says “WATER IN TO WINE BITCHES” and lets out a massive power cord. The water that was soaking our cloths was now vodka getting us drunk. 

“oh man vodka my guitar must be out of tune… hang on I have to back home to fix this sorry guys… be back later”

His next show 2000 years later is already sold out.

HEY DID YOU KNOW?

"I'm sick of all these monkey-fighting bears on this monday-to-friday boat!"

Quote of the day.

"There is little a man can do when he sees a fat man listening to pop music except for letting him dance away his boner."

A Glorious Egress in Reverse.

Greetings! I am your esteemed love master and deadly well wisher VKlaus. Some may know me as Klaus, The id, borritobandito, Danny, Octopus-Rex, or even on occasion Doorbellington. I have started this blog so that I have an outlet for all the silly words that build up in my colossally larg and gorgeous head. What’s more it will act as a nice lightning rod for those who don’t feel like hearing my mad ravings in the various IRC, forums, and comment sections on websites.

 Now don’t worry I will still troll those places like I always do but they will probably be more appropriate and better executed. So really we all benefit from this…. What do you mean the children? BITCH I TOLD YOU THEM LITTLE BASTARDS AINT MINE! Anyway expect mind blowing orgasms and/or bloody anal discharge cause this shit is gonna be tight.