It was a bright and shiny day. Not the kind of days I’m used to working on. The street was empty save for the containment crew milling about a Large metal container. There were sensors unholy inscriptions plastered all around the steel box. This was definitely not a normal case. So I walk over to John Baraptice to find out what was up.
“What have we got John?”
“Looks like some amateur tried to open up a gate to hell.”
“So what went wrong?”
“We aren’t sure, but it looks like he got his symbols upside down.”
“Hmm, anything come out yet?”
“Klaus, it’s a door to heaven, no one would want to leave.”
“So then what’s the problem?”
“The doorway is letting out light. Pure Holy light. No one who has looked at it exists in this world anymore”
“Up or down?”
“Couldn’t say. We wont know, until we shut the door and can study the symbols.”
I sighed.
“Alright, I think I got a plan. Go fetch me some welders goggles. Then I want you to soak them in 1000 year old demon blood that’s been mixed with some of the oil used to burn Rasputin death. Then get on cursing them with every anti holy spell you can muster up. I’m going in.”
I waited on John to get my supplies ready, silently kicking myself for what I was about to do. I wasn’t going to like it, but I had no other choice. May the lord forgive me.
I stepped atop the tall metal case, my custom welders goggles all but vacuumed sealed to my head, facing the other direction waiting for the men to cut open an entry way. As soon as I heard the clag of the thick steel hit the floor beneath I shut my eyes hard as I jumped down into the room.
It felt warm, soft and comfortable. It was all the will I had to not open my eyes. I tried not to move, not that I really wanted to, but more because I didn’t know where the door was. I didn’t want to go to heaven, at least not yet, there was still evil afoot. Evil only I could fight. So with that I took a deep breath, unzipped my trousers and began to masturbate furiously while shouting terribly profane and awful things into the air.
At last the seed hit the ground and at that all the warmth dropped from the room and the light was gone. I had successfully tainted the room, making it no longer pure and thus shutting the door to heaven. I tore off my goggles and zipped up and took one last look around the room.
From floor to ceiling books about the occult, magic, and demon worship were stacked, and the markings on the wall were exactly as it should be for opening a gate to hell, except the poor soul had his pentagram the wrong side up.
I scrambled out of the hole the crew had cut for me and looked over at john who was standing near by smiling.
“So, Klaus the great occult detective, How did you manage this one?”
“I’d rather not talk about John. Just maybe when you go in to check things out, maybe you otta bring a mop.”
THE END.
